Breath mints and Respect; 2008 Priorities for men

Initially, I was not planning to write on this subject until last Saturday when I was at Eni & Tunde’s Engagement Celebration in Maryland (Congratulations Eni & Tunde). At the event, my stomach was turning not because of the food, the food was hmmm….. excellent, but because of the men and their behaviors at the event. Here is my list of top 10 no! no! for 2008. This is for the real men and men behaving like boys.

1. Breath mints: Yes breath mints. Am putting this one up first because it is a conversation killer if your breath is kicking. This is a big problem that has a small solution. One or two breath mints will save the day. Please do not chew chewing gun. There is nothing more ghetto than a grown man popping gum. Apart from the fact that it’s annoying, it makes you look as if you are eating the same piece of meat over and over.

2. Look with respect: Am as culpable of this one as the next men. No need to stare at her. She is not the latest car on display even though she is displaying her goods or her “girls”. If you must look, look from the corner of your eyes. At Eni’s engagement this weekend, a particular fellow was looking so hard at a lady’s see-thru blouse that he bumped into another person coming towards him with a plate of food in her hand which messed up his white agbada with a plate full of fried rice and juicy dripping efo soup. What a mess!! That fellow’s outfit is forever ruined - all because of temptation that he can’t and will never have! I bet you he will not tell his wife the honest truth how the expensive agbada purchased by the wife got ruined.

3. Toasting (or getting fresh with the ladies): hmmm….. I can write about this forever. Guys, there is right way to approach and converse with a female. Toasting her on the dance floor makes you look shabby. Toasting must be done tactfully so that if she turned you down, she would turn you down where video camera can’t pick it up. Study and study and study more before you approached her. Be honest with yourself if you have any chance before approaching her. Keep in mind that level pass level. Because the two of you are the same age does not mean she is on your level. When you toast on your level, your chance of rejection will be lesser. Identify and toast on your own level. Grown men, toasting a lady that is old enough to be your great grand daughter is not cool! You are an uncle – start acting like it.

4. Not every woman at a party is looking for a man: You are married! Stop looking. She doesn’t want you. You can’t get her. You can’t afford her!

5. The right under-shirt: Please wear the right shirt underneath your clothes. Always wear an “A shirt” underneath your Naija attire. It looks ridiculous when your “T-Shirt” is showing outside your attire. It ruins the perfect picture and makes you look tacky amongst of the ladies

6. Dress appropriately: There is a place and time for everything. Make sure that you are dressing appropriately for the event. Wearing a 2-piece suit to an all night Nigerian party is not right and neither is it cool. It makes you look like one stiff boo zoo. Wearing a laced shoe with a native is not cultured. Over accessorized with jewelry – this is too much! you are a male! Please make sure that the Nigerian attire is clean and smell good. I was once at a party and an “uncle” walked past me. All I could say to myself was “Lord help me!”. You can still smell the food and sweat from the last time he wore it. Dry clean is only $15 for a complete Agbada – please seize this opportunity in order to save yourself from embarrassment.

7. Grooming: A nice fade is necessary for a hair cut (or what is befitting to the overall look). Looking like you just came out of the jungle (looking like Tarzan) will not attract anyone to you and if you are already married, it can make your wife to secretly look at another well groomed man. Women love their men to look sharp and nice. It is their joy and pride to walk into a party hall with a well dressed man. She deserves it even if you are terrible in bed. Trim your facial hair or shave it. I am simply saying men should spend their $10-$20 to get a nice hair cut.

8. Spraying: Spraying your lunch money and gas money on a lady that you have no chance with is ridiculous because you want to pretend that you are a big man. She can see through it. She will simply take your money and walked away. After the party is over, you will need to borrow money from your friends to buy gas - not cool at all!

9. Presentation: The key to getting the approval of the opposite sex is how you present yourself. Sitting down with your boys and drinking Heinekens or Guinness at a party, talking loud and acting obnoxious is not a good thing. Keep in mind females are like video camera – if not better because their eyes rotate more than the best camera in the market. They see everything and they remember everything. When the time comes for you to approach them, they will remember how you made a fool of yourself in public and turn you down without thinking twice. You will be wondering why you are still single at 35 years old.

10. Respect the female: no matter how ugly her behavior is, remember she is someone’s sister and a future mother. This is a topic for another day. Men need to learn how to respect our ladies in public.

The list is more than this but I just wanted to keep it to the top 10.
There are more areas we can work on but first thing first, we must improve our relationship with our ladies. Be considerate and keep in mind that there are many eyes watching you at an event/party. So please act like you have sense and from a decent family.
Till Next time……..

Giving You The Best That I Got

Giving You The Best That I Got

Ain't there something I can give you
In exchange for everything you give to me
Read my mind and make me feel just fine
When I think my peace of mind is out
of reach

The scales are sometimes unbalanced
And you bear the weight of all that has to be
I hope you see that you can lean on me
And together we can calm a stormy sea

Everybody's got opinions
'Bout the way they think our story's gonna end
Some folks feel it's just a superficial thrill
Everybody's gonna have to think again

We love so strong and so unselfishly
They don't bother me so I'm gonna keep on
Giving you the best that I got, baby
They don't bother me, said I'm gonna keep on
Giving you the best that I got, listen baby

My weary mind is rested
And I feel as if my home is in your arms
Fears are all gone, I like the sound of your song
And I think I want to sing it forever


....Just thinking about you! lol...

Credits:
song by Anita Baker
edited to fit need: Deji Ajikawo
Writer: Anita Baker

You Got What?

Who could possibly be calling me this late at night. It is 9.00p.m. am enjoying my fresh fish and red wine for dinner; watching CNN. Life can not be better. The phone kept on ringing continually as if the person knows that am purposely avoiding the call. With anger, I summoned the courage and picked the phone up. “Why are you trying to avoid my call?” was the first thing she said. Dumfounded, am trying to figure out the person on the other end that have the nerves to call me and greeted me with those words and she is not my mother. After a few silence, she introduced herself. An old friend of mine from the good old days of the past. (smiling.. hmmm) (to protect her identity, I will call her “Mo”) . Noble, she said. (Noble was my nickname when I was at University of Maryland). I saw your number on your facebook page and I decided to call you up since am in Maryland again. Hmm.. Another thought was going thru my head. Lord please deliver me from temptation. I promise to be a good boy this year.

After a few minute of exchanging pleasantries, she still sound as sexy as ever on the phone, she asked me when am I coming to visit her. Coming to visit you! You don't evenly asked me if am married or in a relationship. At this point my mind was in the gutters like every other man in my situation would be. Hmm.. clearing my throat. Lord! This is not part of the bargain. Reluctantly, not to be rude, I asked for her address. She said, am staying at Washington Hospital Center, 3rd floor. Washington Hospital center? I exclaimed in my mind. What is wrong was my next question. She replied with a voice that can melt a rock, I will tell you when you get here. This does not sound good. At this point my mind was out of the gutter and different thoughts were going thru it. Quickly I went to the hospital to meet her. She had lost weight; looking freight like a ghost. “Mo” what is wrong? Are you ok? (Don’t you just hate it when people ask you an obvious question.. No she is not ok. If she is ok she wouldn’t be at the hospital).

She took a deep breath and said, “Noble, will you make me laugh. I still remember your silly jokes and funny faces”. How can I make you laugh, I don’t even know what is wrong with you or why you are here or why you insisted that you must see me. From my look, she realized that am not comfortable in the room. She took another breath and said, “Noble, am dying of breast cancer” “Your girls are killing me” . Speechless, don’t know what to say or do. She was only 34years old. Young and pretty. How? Why? What? And where? This is not a Nigerian disease. This is supposed to be an American disease. Foolish and ignorant of me; breast cancer is a woman disease regardless of the race or place of residence.

There were so many questions running thru my head. But it was too late. All I could do was hold her hand and tell jokes. We laughed and laughed thru out the night. The nurse came in and asked me to leave. We both lied and said I was her husband. Breast cancer at a tender age. All she could say was she wished that she had paid more attention to her health and not try to self diagnose it. According to her, the signs were there but she was too busy with work and self medicated with advil and blame tenderness on her breast with her monthly. When she told her mother of persist sickness and tiredness, they attributed it to some kind of issue from the family back home. By the time she went to the doctor for medical checkup she was at an advance stages. On my way out in the morning, we hugged and cried and laughed more and told silly jokes. Couldnt hold off my tears in the car. The more I cried the more I remembered the good times at the museums in Washington, D.C. and the prank at the Zoo and thank God for her brief life. Days later after my visit, she was gone! Gone forever never again to see "Mo" .

To all my sisters, female friends, please take the time to do your yearly medical checkup. It can save your life. Talk to your parents about past medical history and death history in your family. Xprexxion magazine may be able to pay for a simple mammogram if there is no other alternative. Not everything is caused by your enemy or your step mother or the witch next door or the devil. God can only help those that helped themselves. Learn about your body. There will be no untimely death amongst us in Jesus name again.

Say what? She asked for what?

Blogger: Xprexxion Magazine - Create PostAs usually, am always confronted with uncomfortable situations. I usually know how to talk my way through or advise my way out of it. This particular situation took me by surprise and made me speechless. I was watching the Washington Redskins getting beat like a step child by New York Giants on a nice Thursday afternoon when the phone call came in. A friend of mine wants to come and see me at home and it is important. As much as I don’t like visitors in my house, I agreed. An hour later, he arrived like a puppy looking for his owner.

My friend, what is the situation? I asked. After a few minutes of deep breath, he asked me not to laugh and it is a very sensitive subject. At this point am already laughing inside. He started by saying his girlfriend’s birthday is next week and she wants a dildo for her birthday. A what?!?! I exclaimed with a surprised face. She must be joking!! No, she is not. He replied. To make sure that I heard him correctly, I asked again. At this point am speechless. Didn’t know what to say, I asked, isn’t she a Nigerian? Yes of course! he replies. At this point I didn’t know what to say. Is she trying to tell him that he is not “Mr. Capable”? Or is she a liberated Naija woman that wants to be satisfied?

Am at lost for words. The birthday is coming and he is confused about what to do. He is seriously contemplating breaking up with her because of her gift request. Every time I think of it, I laugh. To me, it is more like a punishment. I try to imagine what was going through her mind when she was telling him of her birthday gift request “Go to store and get me the big black_______ since you are not capable”

This is my latest story in my series of “Temptation: Lord! Please deliver me”

Why Obama? (Scratching my head and thinking loud)

Why Obama?

Why Obama was the question that I asked this Obama T-shirt wearing buffoon at the airport over the weekend. As expected, he replied “Because he is black”. Could someone shoot me now! So I don’t have to slap him into reality. “Because he is black!” Is that sufficient enough to vote into office someone that has the power with a stroke of pen to wipe out the whole Nigeria economy? Or make an executive order that can make life miserable for all foreigners in this country?

Are we Obama crazy because he is black or because of the policy he is proposing? Will we be crazy about him if he is not black? When we as a race will stop making judgment or decision because of the skin color? Behind all of his shouting and moving speeches, is he making sense? What are his policies regarding us foreigners? Are we been taking for a ride as always?
Unfortunately, we don’t have so much to choose from, as a friend of mine once said, a know devil is better than new devil? But what do we know about both of them, McCain and Obama? Are the media shoving Obama into our face as the anointed because he makes a good read and story line because of his skin color?

He (Obama) decided to go on a foreign country tour to acclimate himself with foreign affairs in order for him to dismiss the notion that he is not seasoned in foreign policy. Out of about 10 countries he visited, not a single African country was on the list. I guess we are not that important.

The least he could do is to stop and refuel his plane in Nigeria and say hello to the country that is supplying his country with over one third of their oil or Kenya and say hello to his grandmother. If he so ashamed of the reality that he is black, at least he could stop at South Africa, I heard that some white people are still there. Oops, the president of South Africa is black so that is a no! no!!. He can't afford to let the white media labeled him as been too black or too African. Who knows, Jesse Jackson maybe right about what he said regarding Obama. Only time will tell.

Until there is another alternative, am keeping Obama 08 poster in my front lawn and keeping my mouth shut to prevent a beat down by “Obama cool-aid drinker fans”. If you can’t beat them, join them. It is sad that I will be voting for someone because of his skin color rather than his policy. Martin Luther King will be turning in his grave now.

Happiness

Was watching CNN this morning and there was a report about happiness and what it takes to make some people happy. Start thinking about the subject, for the first time I don’t have an answer to a question or am as confused as I started.

Is it true that no one can make you happy except you? Can your environment influence your happiness or can your happiness influence your environment?
Is it possible to be at peace with yourself but not happy? What is happiness? Can you be happy without be content with what you have?
Can happiness be measured?

Thinking hard and scratching my head looking for answers.

Monkey see monkey do!

This must be the funniest and awkward moment in my career. I had seen it all but this one took the cake. There is this culture amongst some female friends to stuff the bra of their friends with money on the dance floor. It is common amongst the older generations than the younger one.
At this particular event, the aunties of the aunties were all on the dance floor grooving to this very good band. These were the original owanmbe ladies. As the night progress, one of the lady started dancing and all of her friends surrounded her. They were spraying her and stuffing her bra with money. Nothing new! From nowhere, this African American fellow, presumable a guest of the lady dancing approached the dance floor and started stuffing the bra of the lady with dollar bills as if he was at a strip joint. All of suddenly everyone where staring at him and you can read from the lady’s face “what the heck are u doing?” To him, he felt that he was also celebrating the culture not knowing that he was about to get a beat down of his life by the lady’s husband. Just too funny!

Only if I have a minute……

Trying to let go of these memories of sorrows
which are trapped inside of me,
where I feel alone, no one sees me crying.
I close my eyes and I see my departed friends and relatives
Friends that I forgot to tell how I feel about them
I see my relatives that because of my busy schedule I forgot to call.
All I have now are the tears of regrets. Tears of “what if?”
True I cannot stop them from dying, but I could had done my part when they were alive
All I have are faint memories of lost friends.
I wish I took the time to answer my calls instead of working on Xprexxion Mag.
I wish I took that picture of them instead of the Omoges and Fashion ladies
I wish I had spent more time listening to them instead of watching Law & Order

They don’t want my money; they just want to hear my voice, my smile and my silly jokes
Now that they are gone, I wish I can hear their voice, see their smile or listen to their silly jokes. Even for a minute. So I can have something to hold on to…

Alone, I am crying as if the tears can bring them back.
To my friends that are still alive, I love you!
To those that I offended in anyway, am sorry
To those that I had broken a promise or two, please give me another chance To those that gave up calling me, please try one more time
To those that I had broke their hearts - am sorry, I was young then
I may never get to say I love you, but I do.
Next time I see you, please let me take your picture, who knows that maybe the last time we will see each other.

I wish I can stop the tears and the regrets,
I wish I have one more second to tell them how I feel…….. I wish, but I can't.

Just one minute to hold on too and smile. A minute can be a life time of memory.

Temptation Part II: Soft Porno (Not again)

Temptation Part II: Soft Porno (Not again)

At the beginning of this year, I made a promise to be as good as an angel, however at every turn there are always temptations or distractions of different forms. This thing called “the devil” is determined to make it hard. It is even written in the bible that the devil will try as much as possible. I wish the devil is a naija person… so I can go and settle him with some Ghana must go bags so he can stop distracting me.

As usual, I was minding my business when the phone call came in, on the other end was a cousin of mine begging (ok just asking) for me to make an appearance at his party because he printed flyer saying that Xprexxion will be there. Of course, this was an opportunity for me to have free food and drink, why not?... so I agreed.

As soon as I arrived, I was greeted by another cousin of mine. She said, “Nice to see you uncle”. Before I could respond, I had to look at her face to make sure it is the same person. It seem that her boobs had grown by two extra letters from a ‘C’ to a “DD” since the last time I saw her, all pushed up almost touching her chin. Talk about an uncomfortable situation! She was a little shorter than me so I had no choice but to look down. How can I look down and have eye to eye contact without seeing what an uncle is not supposed to see. Quickly, so as not to embarrass myself; I moved away. Haa!!!!!!!! that was a close one.

As the night progressed it seemed that there was a dress code; everyone must wear Victoria Secret push-up bra. Those not wearing a push up bra were wearing no bra. what is this? Just to think that on Sunday morning some of these girls will be in the choir singing to the Lord all the while looking like a 14th street prostitute on Saturday night. God help all of us.

After getting over my initial shock, I started to enjoy the view from my VIP longue. I thought that temptation was over. Cracking jokes and drinking a glass of Moet, out of nowhere came another devil sent temptation, “Uncle Deji, can I sit here”? What was I supposed to say.. so I said sure, why not? Within minutes, I noticed that she was twisting and turning as if there was a cricket in her skirts. Out of curiosity, I asked “Is there anything wrong”? She responds, “I’m trying to adjust my skirt because that boy over there is looking at me”. So I took a glance, Lord, why did she bother to wear a skirt, she could have came to the party in her underwear and would still be more covered than what she was wearing. I asked, “Why do you have to wear that?” She responds, “I want to look sexy”. Looking sexy but uncomfortable! Someone needs to teach some of these so called young ladies that there is a thin line between looking sexy and looking like a prostitute.

After an hour of these uncomfortable peep shows, I decided to go home. After all, the music was horrible, all I could hear was the base, the food was ok.. but McDonald will be better and I am at least 5 years older that the oldest person here. For some reason, they all fell obligated to come and greet me. Doing so, my eyes continually saw things that it was not supposed to see.
I told my host that I needed to go and thanked him for a nice night. As he was walking me to the door, came another devil sent temptation, my friend’s wife dressing like she just won a shopping spree at a “Prostitute Mart” with her ass beads showing outside her undies.. The first thing that came to my mind was what was her husband thinking when she walked out of the house with her friends.

As I anticipated, on Sunday, I saw some of these ladies from the club party looking radiant in their Ankara with everything covered like mother Theresa. As a matter of fact one of the ladies that was on display the night before read the Sunday bible passage. God help all of us. So officially, no club parties for me. So please no one should invite me to one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May God help me.

I love you!

8.30p.m. just got off the phone with my daughter and every time, we end our conversation with the word “I love you”. The 8:30 pm phone call was our fourth phone conversation of the day and each time we end with the word “I love you” even on txt message. Do I have to say I love you every time? If I don’t respond will it seem as if I don’t love her?

Just thinking loud, a lot of which I have been doing lately. It may be a sign of an old age or maybe I’m just bored, but whatever is the reason, I find myself questioning a lot of things that we commonly do or say trying to find the meaning of it. I guess am at the stage of “Why” and trying to re-define my environment. Who knows?

Why can’t my actions indicate that I love you? Must I have to say it over and over? Or do people just love to hear the word “I love you”. A friend of mine once told me that she sees it as an assurance that he still loves her. What assurance? Can’t his actions be enough of assurance? My mother always says action speaks louder than words. The only time he says he loves you is when he is going inside of you or when he needs something from you or after you finish doing something for him. I was watching the movie “What’s love got to do with it” a few days ago for the fifth time in a decade, (As busy as I am, where do I find the time to watch movies), after her husband beat the living day light out of her, he pulls her closer and says “baby I love you”. “Baby I love you”? You love me and you blacked my eyes out? You loved me and you are verbally disrespecting me in front of your friends? You love me but you don’t care how my day was? But you love me!

I’m not sure maybe am reclining to my father’s mentality or the African men mentality of not saying the words “I love you”

Just thinking out loud! So if I forget to say I love you or if I do not say it, Cecilia Atinuke, you know dad loves you. It’s just that I think my actions should speak louder than my words.

No! No! Not again in 2008 please!

Over the past one month I had been looking at pictures we took over the 2007 party season. Over 5000 pictures and surprisingly while most of them were fabulous, I noticed some less than glamorous situations. I must agree with Jay-Z. that African women are beautiful and can dress, most especially Nigerian women but there are times I wonder aloud, “What were you thinking about or did you look in the mirror before leaving the house”.
Here are my top 10 list of “what were you thinking about” or “Did you see the mirror”
1. Gele: If you can’t tie the gele, please ask someone to help you. Gele is the crown on the head of our Nigerian queens. You can’t just wrap it in your head like one oyinbo girl. You spend that much money on the outfit, please take the time to tie the gele.

2. Open toe shoe: I understand that it is cold outside, but why must you wear an open toe shoe with pantyhose under iro & buba.. simply tacky. Ladies, please if you are going to wear an open toe shoe, invest money in nail polish or pedicure. It costs between $15 to $25 at a nail salon. Disgusting.. simply disgusting. It’s not cute regardless how much the shoe cost or how well it matches the outfit.


3. Coordinate: Hmmmm.. everything does not have to be all pink.. try to mix colors. Do your best, if you’re not sure, ask a friend. Get a copy of Xprexxion magazine to see how to coordinate your colors.

4. See thru lace: Why and why must you go to a party with your unmentionables made public? As a man, I appreciate the peep show but please, if you are going to wear see thru lace, please wear a sexy bra underneath it. For $30 you can purchase a sexy bra at Victoria Secret or Fredrick’s of Hollywood. Why do women get upset when men are looking at the free show displayed? If you don’t want someone to look at it.. cover it up please. And Ladies, please if you are going to wear a white bra under your big hole lace, please make sure that the strap is clean.


5. Makeup: Someone stop me please. Where shall I start…hmmmmm make sure that your lips are not crusty when putting on lipstick. It is nasty to see crusty red lips. If I have to start talking about naija makeups.. I will be here until tomorrow.. I will save this topic for another day. Please use the mirror or consult a MAC makeup artist at your local shopping mall.

6. Crusty heels: It is nasty.. scrape it off.. spend the money for pedicure.. you are not in the village any more. At least soak it in some water and put some Vaseline on it. Crusty, flaking heels are not sexy.

7. Hair: Weave, weave, weave, I will leave this for another article…


8. Aso-Ebi: Please do not try to outstage the celebrant. (This one is for another article)

9. Skirt and blouse or style: Please pick a style that fits your body structure. We covered this topic in one of our previous edition of the magazine. I was at a party in Houston and a lady with size DDD was wearing a low cut blouse, every time she bent over to pick money for the celebrant, half of her breasts were on the floor. Please, it is not cute. I understand that after childbirth, some women have a little stomach bulge … please if you do, stay away from outfits that expose your stomach.. nasty… If you are unsure, please stick to Iro & buba. Iro & buba hide all body flaws.


10. Spraying musicians: I am guilty of this as much as the next person. Please let the celebrant enjoy his or her day. There is nothing more annoying than to watch an event video and over half of the time.. all we hear is someone’s name that is not the celebrant.

Next time a photographer does not take your picture at an event, you may be committing some of these mistakes. As we are getting ready for another season, I wish all of you a happy dancing and partying time.

Our Female and Sex

A lot of Nigerian women shy away from openly discussing masturbation, so I am led to believe they don?t (masturbate). Which would explain why they do not experience orgasms.

I have a 30 years old friend who is married with children and has never had an orgasm, I think that is absolutely ridiculous!

In order for a man to love you, you must love yourself, get to know your body, know what it takes to get you there. Only when you are fully aware of your spots can you direct a man to please you. Some men don?t need directions, they watch your reaction to certain touches and some just go with the universally effective techniques; kissing on your neck, nibbling your ear, clawing your back etc?but those are for mediocre lovers! It takes a bit more to be an unforgettable lover!

You know, it is not the actual act performed on a guy that excites him, a man is most excited about your reaction to his actions! So if you can teach him to touch you where you like to be touched, you can both have a more fulfilling sex life. In order for you to achieve this however, you?ve got to get to know you! A lot of women use dildos and other sexual toys to discover themselves, which I think is a great idea if you plan to be alone forever! The reality of it is that these toys are only a quick fix, the movements are at ridiculous pace that no human being is able to achieve and once your body is tuned to this pace, responding to a real man will be tough.

Bottom line....get to know YOU in an intimate way...you don't have to tell anyone...just do it for you.

My thing is if all these women are out there and are not having orgasms during sex?Why the hell are they doing it?

BO